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Republican Dictionary

 By Mr. Toy

Activist Judge: One who makes a ruling that we don't agree with.

Bipartisanship: Getting Democrats to vote our way. 

Capitalism: Good.

Capitalist: Good person. American.

Collateral Damage: Innocent people we accidentally kill in order to eliminate terrorists who kill innocent people.

Communism: Socialism (see).

Compromise: Abandoning our principles.

Conservation: A Liberal term for preventing people from having what they want when they want it.

Conservative: American, patriotic, Christian.

Constitutional Amendment: What we propose whenever an activist judge (see) makes a ruling we disagree with.

Debate: Screaming so loudly that your opponent can't be heard.

Democrat: Liberal (see), Socialist (see). Person who hates America.

Deregulation: Capitalism (see).

Disaster: Any policy or legislation supported by Democrats.

Empathy: Liberal bias.

Environmentalist: Nut case who prefers trees, deer and whales over corporate profits, 10-lane freeways, and cheap oil.

Fair and Balanced: Whatever makes sense to us.

Faith in God: What we miraculously rediscover three days after being caught lying, cheating, or stealing.

Fake News: Any report from any news organization except Fox News.

Family Values: Exemplified by good married heterosexual Christians who don't have sex except to make babies.

Indecency: Bare breasts.

Liberal: Traitor.

Market Forces: The "invisible hand" which, if left unchecked, will naturally stabilize our economy and thus eliminate any need for us to plan ahead.

Media Bias: Any report which presents facts that contradict our beliefs. Fake News (see).

Mission Accomplished: The easy part is over.

Minimum Wage: Excessive compensation for our front-line employees who do the actual selling of our product.

Moderate: Some weenie trying to have it both ways.

Morality: No sex.

National Interest: Corporate profits.

Personal Responsibility: I've got mine, you're on your own. Every man for himself.

Reaching Out: A willingness to work with anyone who shares our views.

Regulation: Socialism (see).

Reform: Eliminate, privatize, or cut funding.

Religious Freedom: The right to impose our religious views on others.

Republican base: A small, paranoid minority of Americans our party must bow down to in order to win elections.

Root Causes of Terrorism: A Liberal (traitor's) term used to justify the acts of evildoers. Nothing we need to worry about.

Science: A scheme to use taxpayer dollars for "research" used to justify the liberal agenda to destroy America.

Second Amendment: The right to keep and bear arms of any type whatsoever without any regulation whatsoever. The phrase "shall not be infringed" clearly cancels out the phrase "well regulated militia."

Socalism: Evil. Anti-American. Unconstitutional.

Socialist: Evil person. A Liberal (see). A Democrat (see).

States Rights: The right of states to determine their own policies free of federal interference. Excludes state policies which conflict with any federal policies established by Republican administrations.

Subsidies: What we eagerly spend to support highways, aviation and seaports, but we must never, ever, EVER give to Amtrak.

Tax Cut: A legal way to buy votes. An indirect way to encourage reform (see) on all federal domestic programs.

War on Terror: Kill all dem bastards.